Depression, Anxiety, and Becoming A Yielded Vessel.

What a summer this has been. It doesn't seem real that it's getting ready to come to an end. Not what I had intended, this summer was hard. Of course it was full of awesome moments, beautiful blessings, and comforting friends and family. But it was also full of waves of depression, anxiety, and an inner war on my heart that caused me to shrink back in fear from the only Voice that calms all fear. Inner battles are exhausting, and if you don't stay rooted in God's Word they will piece by piece break you down. I knew this truth, but I let the fear cripple me, I let the season of not feeling God's presence press me into the lie that the joy of the Lord isn't my strength. How can it be if I feel nothing? How can I feel so hollow and dry, so confused and despaired, so broken and lost but believe that He is my strength? These are the battles I fought continually in my mind. And then the question is raised "Am I even in God's will?" How can I possibly be feeling this way if I am living in God's will for my life? Am I supposed to be attending this University? Am I supposed to be majoring in this, pursuing this, going here, doing that?" These questions raised in my mind and screamed from my heart as I tossed and turned at night and woke in the morning. As I gave in to these questions and emotions I felt the walls slowly start to build up around my heart and shut my Savior out. Unintentionally, even without my thinking my heart slowly became like the inhabited city of Jericho before its walls came tumbling down. As scripture describes Jericho "No one went out and no one came in" (Joshua 6:1). And then came the thoughts of "how can this be me?" Because I don't feel like me. I'm Sofia. The radical, Jesus loving, demon chasing, tongue speaking, blood pleading, Holy Ghost fired up girl. But that girl seemed lost and there I was giving in to myself. Clenching my hands so tightly around things rather then the Creator. Blaming myself and trying to figure everything out instead of asking Jesus to break down the walls around my heart and heal me. My voice seemed gone. I became broken before the Lord. I worshiped and prayed and fasted and did everything else that I could think of but I still was empty because the walls around my heart were high and sturdy and my trust had withered. A few days ago I realized I need to ask Jesus to tear the walls around my heart down. To crush them, so that my heart may once again be yielded to my Savior, because quite frankly I can't make it without Him. I gave into the lie from the enemy that I could. I gave into the lie that the still small voice that whispers away the fear can't be trusted, and it crushed me. I'm thankful that in the midst of these seasons the Holy Spirt remains the same and still speaks to us. I cried out and said "Jesus will you march around my heart and bring down these walls like you did in Jericho." For me that was the Spirit of God living on the inside of me that cried that out. The same spirit that cries out ABBA sat in me and said "Father help her." What a summer this has been. So I've begun to read the story of Jericho. Although it's not the first time I've read it, it feels as if it is. And day by day my gracious, loving, holy Father, is marching around my heart, blowing His trumpet, and taking my walls down. It's a process. Joshua and his army had to march for seven days before the walls of the city came down, but they didn't stop until it was done. And Jesus is not going to stop until it's done. He is jealous for my heart, He longs to sit on the throne of it and have it completely yielded to Him. So that's what He will do. Jesus is going to march around my heart until all the walls have come tumbling down and in the process his amazing love is going to release my heart from fear into freedom because that's what He does. His blood still works. And in all of this I am becoming a yielded vessel. I write this today to say that I have failed. I gave in to lies, I turned from trust, and I slowly started to depend more on the world and less on my God. But oh the beauty of Jesus when He reaches down to me and says "I do not condemn you." So if you're out there struggling, if you feel guilty and hurt, lost and confused, broken and despaired I want you to know, Jesus wants you to know, that He is going to march around that stubborn, bruised, broken heart of yours and say "Walls come down for this is my child whom I have bled for and the enemy will not win." Even in my depression God is good. Even in my anxiety and fear of tomorrow He is good. Jesus is the Healer of broken hearts, even if we caused them to break, and I believe that He is not only going to heal mine but yours to. Thank You Lord. -Sofia "When the people gave a loud shout, the wall collapsed; so every man charged straight in, and they took the city." - Joshua 6:20